Patchi's Role play Sample!

It seems as though you misinterpreted what has been said.

Quote :

We want to get a feeling of how well you can control a mundane character without having to resort to over the top action scenes. It is very easy to fill a sample with lots of action fluff. Instead we want to see how you can do with just a regular day to day routine.

I don't understand where a robbery, an off-screen beating, and a potential rape scene is mundane.

You have a few grammatical hiccups, but nothing outrageous. Your imagination is lacking in a few areas, it seems (in the form of plot holes) : why would somebody rob a store on its "re-opening" day? Wouldn't it be short of cash since it, you know, hasn't been open for that long? In the morning, no less...

However, as I said, there is nothing outrageous enough to bar you from the site.


The verdict is clear. Remake your Roleplay Sample.

Mulligan

Umm... Fixed?

Thank you for your reciprocativity.

I would personally request that, if you still have your old Roleplay Sample handy, you would use that as the first post for record-keeping purposes, with your newer submission along with your "Umm... Fixed?"

Seeing as how you are the first person to post a Roleplay Sample under these guidelines, it will provide insight and example to future members as to why your initial sample was rejected and the means you used to fix it.

Not high priority, I would imagine, but it would be very helpful. (It also appears that you created another sample without my knowledge, which I would also find helpful to have posted in this thread, as well, just for reference).


However, as for your current sample. It passes.

Third Tier

This means you are neither Captain nor Lieutenant level (nor the respective rankings for the other races). However, you are free to pursue the other open positions.

~~~

My personal complaint with your writing, as it is now, is that it is far too "simple". Everything in it is straightforward.

Quote :

She really liked this class

This is a prime example. Instead of developing the character in such a way that it becomes implied that she likes the class through her actions or thoughts, you flat-out say that she does. This straight-forward, simplistic approach leaves little depth to what you are writing and, devastatingly, removes a good opportunity to develop your character. I don't really get a peek at who your character is because there is so little development throughout your piece.

You use this style for everything, though, not just your character. The environment was never really developed, the other people weren't really developed... there's very little besides a simple rundown of what happens.

Minor grammatical errors persist. It presents minor damage to the overall flow of the work. Not a large deal.

Just would like to add for anyone that is also reading this as well as for you Patchy.

This does not mean that you can never ascend past a third tier position. This just means this is where you will start out. If you prove that you can roleplay at a higher level with your actual characters, you can request a higher position. I have not yet set up how we will go through with this but your case will be reviewed by the mods and you will probably have to complete a roleplay challenge like what the higher level members will have to complete. If that is also at the level we are looking for then you will be able to be bumped up to the next tier.

So basically, the more you roleplay the better.

Anyway, make your character application next.