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| Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) | |
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H Shinzo
Posts : 17 Points : 0 Join date : 2010-03-10
| Subject: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:00 am | |
| ========================================================================= "Another day... another boredom day" He talked to himself while sitting on a great pillar outside las noches looking forward, watching the desert. But then he heard some talking right under him, two human like adjuchas we're arguing. 'You tell him' "No why should i? you tell it" 'I don't wan't to do it, you do...'
That continued for some time, until he just couldn't stand that anymore, slowly he went down there, standing behind the duo that didn't noticed him. 'Okay i'll tell it...wait his not there anymo...' with a fast move he grabbed both by the neck with his bare hands, slowly suffocating them.
"Now just what you guys need to tell me? say it straight" he said while holding them tighter and then throwing then against the floor. "Speak up" he said again while slowly walking from a side to other with his arms crossed.
'Si... Sir... there's a problem going on around the Menos Forest. It seems that a strong hollow appeared claiming to be a powerful Vasto Lorde and destroying anyone who won't serve under his command' "Hmm" as he stopped walking around "Does anyone knows this besides me?" he asked while looking them with fierce eyes. "N..No sir..." one of they answered trembling.
"...then you'll may inform Primera and the others about it, and tell them that i'm already on my way to check it out there" he said as he started make his way to the forest.
Its been a long time since he got out that from that damn forest, just after reaching it, the adjuchas who was supposed to guard the exit of that part of the forest wasn't there. And it seemed a bit strange quiet, not seeing any gillians around too. While walking through the forest he felt a strange presence that kept going up and going down, over and over again. As he follow it, he reaches the location from where the strange energy comes, and finds a humanoid hollow surrounded of petrified gillians and adjuchas, engulfed in a strange pulsing aura. 'That's a good ability for sure' he thinks while seeing the statues. He approaches him going way around behind the hollow, standing there observing him for some time when he finally decides to speak.
"You're not even close to a Vasto Lorde, so stop pretending" he said with cold tune. The hollow turned around scared by the fact that his aura didn't affected someone "What did you say, I'm a Vasto Lorde, who you think you are"
"If at least you really we're a Vasto Lorde you would have perceived my presence, and i could let you try achieve forgiveness from our leader, but like this..." he said while walking on his direction in the middle of the statues surrounded in that misty aura.
"Unfortunately, because you've betrayed our leader, trying to build up a army of your own, i''ll have to finish you here by now, so just die already and by the way i'm Shinzo the Cuarta Espada" after saying that he raised up his right hand fastly charging a red cero, the hollow tried to escape, ordering the statues to attack the Espada. But as he broke his concentration trying to get far away, all the hollows regained their own movement and started attacking him making it impossible to escape, been totally obliterated together with the hollows and part of the forest in a great red blow.
After the dust had gone Shinzo was standing in the middle of the explosion area, looking up to the moon. "We don't need liars, cowards, or even traitors at all, all we need are the strong ones, and you we're not strong enough" he said while leaving the Menos Forest, heading back to Las Noches to make his report about it... =========================================================================
Last edited by H Shinzo on Fri Mar 19, 2010 12:44 pm; edited 2 times in total | |
| | | Madame Rose
Posts : 458 Points : 59 Join date : 2010-02-23
| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:07 am | |
| Dioggy said this sample had to be amazing in order for you to stay. Unfortunately, this is far from it. There are typographical errors and grammar mutilation everywhere. I'll let one of the others have the deciding vote, but I believe you should be... DENIED | |
| | | H Shinzo
Posts : 17 Points : 0 Join date : 2010-03-10
| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:34 am | |
| i don't know why, but it really seems like you have somekind of grudge against me, so i don't think your decision is well balanced afterall....or if i should even consider it...even if you're a mod.
(i'll wait zaf's and dio's decision) | |
| | | Stauracius Diogenes
Posts : 227 Points : 74 Join date : 2010-02-15
| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:16 am | |
| My answer leans to denial but I will wait for the rest staff's decision.I am gonna ask you one question;Did you really put effort in your sample? | |
| | | H Shinzo
Posts : 17 Points : 0 Join date : 2010-03-10
| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Sat Mar 20, 2010 2:18 pm | |
| - Stauracius Diogenes wrote:
- I am gonna ask you one question;Did you really put effort in your sample?
Yeah, whats the problem with it, i don't really get it... | |
| | | Zafaron Uriuc Admin
Posts : 772 Points : 161 Join date : 2010-02-12 Age : 32 Location : California Dude!
| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) Sat Mar 20, 2010 2:31 pm | |
| The fact that you don't get it is half the problem. There are grammar mistakes everywhere which alone makes it very distracting to read. There were also some spelling errors and the dialogue had a few issues as well. Overall it seems like it was slapped together haphazardly.
Dio said you had one last chance with this roleplay sample. Taking account all of the problems in your profiles and in this sample I am going to agree with the rest of the staff.
DENIED | |
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| Subject: Re: Hakuchūmu Shinzō (Rp Sample) (Pretty much denied, waiting for second opinion.) | |
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